August 12, 2012: If You Believe in Miracles

            This afternoon, at my parents’, I was making lunch and trying to think of something I could pinch off another blog post about when the doorbell rang. I opened the door to find two elderly women, both clutching bibles, standing on the front porch.

            “Oh, dear, did we wake you up?” the Caucasian granny asked. It was almost noon.

“No,” I replied. “I always look rumpled and sleepworn. Can I help you?”

“Well,” she said, “Bertha and I are visiting our neighbors today to ask if they believe in miracles.”

“I don’t,” I said, “But my husband does.”

Bertha leapt in. “Well, if you have a few minutes, we’d like to speak to you about the good word of the Lord.”

“I’d like nothing more,” I lied. “But I’m putting lunch on the table and my father gets grouchy if his soup goes cold.”

“Oh, what a blessing,” the white woman said. “How old is your father?”

“He’s 90.”

“Well!” Bertha exclaimed. “The Lord has kept your dad going a good long time! Praise Him!”

“Yes,” I said, “It is definitely Christ who has been keeping my parents going. And now, if you’ll excuse me, today is The Lamb of God’s day off, and my Cream of Celery is burning.”

Your humble servant.

Thing I Hate Today: Those Styrofoam soda-can-cover things


3 Responses

  1. Thank you for this entry. Today, everything was going wrong. To top it off I opened my purchase of a rotisserie turkey breast to find it was labeled wrong. It isn’t turkey. I don’t know what the hell it is. It’s too small to be a chicken or even a capon. I thought for a minute someone sluffed off a plump pigeon on me. I was tired and angry knowing I had to return it. But at the moment, I had to calm down a bit, so I opened my computer and read your blog. Your “Lamb of God” line absolutely had me doubled over in laughter. It made me realize what you are put through during the course of a day. So, feeling grateful and a little juvenile, I cut up the ‘pigeon’ and made chicken soup. As your mother would say, “It was deelish.”

  2. Robrt Pela: A writer so good, he inspires people to eat mystery bird.

  3. The Sacred Heart of Jesus photo above was designed to scare the Hell out of all little Catholic children. Worked for me.

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