May 25, 2012: Cruel Fortune

“Curiosity is life.” What the hell does that even mean?

            There needs to be a city ordinance against fortune cookie fortunes that aren’t really fortunes.

            “Love the one you’re with” is not a fortune; it’s a command. “Your bright eyes see the world anew,” also isn’t a fortune. It’s an observation—and a clunkily-worded one, besides.

            Please, fortune-cookie-fortune authors. Pull your heads out of your asses and start telling me things like “You will live to see another thousand dawns.” Or “The phone bill will magically pay itself next month.” Or even “Something dreadful is about to happen!” Because at least that would be a for-Christ’s-sake fortune.

     “Life will continue to astonish you” is not fortune-telling; it’s implausible conjecture, at least when I’m the guy reading it. So knock it off, already, with the demands (“Make the most of all life’s pleasures.”) and the inaccurate assessments (“You surprise all around you with charming wit.”) Tell me about my future, or I’ll stop fucking reading you.

 Thing I Hate Today: Our cable box crashed


4 Responses

  1. I had a fortune a few years ago that read, “You are the greatest in the world.” Tell me something I don’t know! Ha!

  2. “The the one you’re with” is actually a song lyric not a fortune.

    • True — in at least two famous instances!

  3. I got a blank one once.

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